It Must Be Used

How dare you not lay on the floor at your feet?
How dare you not scream while you breathe?
How dare you not suffer in the hell of your own making,
For now that it exists it must be used
It must be used, it must be used
It must be used
(don't use it)
It must be used
It must be used
(DON'T)
It must be used
It must be used

Time, Fall Apart

Time, flowing through your bones
Forward! Hum the electromagnetic waves
Are you marching, or are you dragging?
How long have you been awake this time?
No one cares about your answer because it doesn't matter.
The best time to get in motion was a year ago,
The second best time is death.
The stakes are so high,
You will fall apart.
You will fall apart.
You will fall apart.

Drowning.

It takes so much effort just to enter the day
It's like I'm drowning
Wading through the currential water
Pushing me back under
Reach out my hand every so often when I can summon the strength to survive
But I can't even see if anyone's waiting on the other side to grab and hold onto
So is it even worth the effort?
Gravity and loss of strength pushes me back down, falling backwards
It will be a while before I can try again

Conscious

It's a quiet desperate rage
Bubbling up, screaming pinpricks under my skin
At how little time I get to live
At how long it takes to be conscious
And how little that consciousness lasts

If It's Burning Then It's Working

If it’s burning then it’s working
So grit your teeth and bear it
But if I push wider, harder, deeper
I’ll reach the center of something cursed
Weave my fingers through bloody rivers
Scratch it out! Claw it out!
Wrench the dead fistful from my head
Another carcass to the ever-growing cluster
Organic dust littering the ground
I’ve shed more skin than I have tears
Mournful prognosis from molted snowfall
DNA on everything I’ve ever touched
Cyclical compulsion on my shoulders
Get it off, get it off, get it off!
I’ll free my sins from my own skin
Or I’ll gauge my skull out trying

White Dust of Death

Clawed fingers digging
At the epicenter of my skin
Searching seeking ripping
The lies walled up within

If anyone notices
They look away
Cause I play my part and I play it well and then exit the stage

The red compels
Not to show, not to tell
Dripping down in blooms of pain

The white dust of death
Challenged only by
Trickling lines of red
Hiss and smear alight

Symphony of shame and sorrow
Dance as dice are thrown
Pray in tandem that tomorrow
The nerves won’t be regrown

Mosaic in the desert
Itching for the thirst
Sensibility reigns inert
Compulsion is your curse

Fresh Slate of Red

If I had fresh skin, a fresh slate, a fresh tablet to etch out my artistry
Would I do it?
Without question
I would do it,
To feel to feel to feel it alllll drip down drip down and away
Carve a smooth thin line like a smile that won’t come
Never enough to break never enough to last, the coward, the curse, the chase,
Keeps you coming back keeps you grinning
On the edge
If I had an arm, if I had a blade?
If I had the strength
Red’s my favorite color
I’ll see in it myself again

Like It Doesn't Belong To Me

Picking off my skin like it doesn’t belong to me
Mad at its audacity to grow back and heal
Heal my insides first not my outer shell
The item is broken but I’ll be damned if the packaging doesn’t look pretty

I’ve lived my life as a ghost so it’s weird to have a body
Horrifying cycle of regeneration means I can’t die like I promised I would
I suppose that’s a good thing but I fear only a clean break can set me free
But you can’t cold turkey your brain and heart
You can’t fight the withdrawal symptoms of desperate begging dopamine
The key to survival is procrastination, an ignorance of all that has to change